Archive for April, 2009

Darwin Awards

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards, the awards are given annually (and posthumously)
to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by
removing themselves from it.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:

#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees’ nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive
equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and
retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet
away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered
the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki
needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the
surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee
venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
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How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
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Open Letter From a Cop

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Allow me to introduced myself. I am a police officer. More importantly to this post, I am a police officer who is sick and damned tired of dealing with certain things on a day to day basis:

1) Contrary to what you might think, I am not an idiot. That ring on my finger is a BA from Texas Tech. My GPA was a 3.71 and I was in fact the president of my frat (which means I got a lot of stories that start out “So, this one time, we were fucked up, and…). So, when I make the mistake of mispronouncing your name (the last name with 17 fucking letters, only two of which are vowels), dont give me that look like I just kicked your puppy.

While I may not be an idiot, I am human and I do fuck things up from time to time. When I apologize for pulling you over because I thought your tags were out, just take the sorry and be on about your way. DO NOT get a high and mighty attitude. Our state has over 5000 traffic laws, I can find one to help you get over your tude.
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How to write a paper in college/university

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
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Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It…

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are… plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.
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