Archive for the ‘Stories’ Category

Potatoes

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
(more…)

Posted in Fun, Stories | 4 Comments »

Lucky Drink

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So’s the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.
(more…)

Posted in Stories | 1 Comment »

Dead People and Credit Cards

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60. A Family Member placed a call to The Bank.

Here is the exchange:
(more…)

Posted in Fun, Stories | No Comments »

College Essay

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
(more…)

Posted in Stories | 1 Comment »

Daily Jokes

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, “Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer.” “Hot damn,” the cowboy says to himself, “My three favorite things!”

WHEN I GET HOME
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. “Man,” the first guy said, “as soon as I get home, I’m gonna rip my wife’s panties off!” “What’s the rush?” his buddy asked. “The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!”

CANNIBALS
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. “You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.” The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.” After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continued, “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”
(more…)

Posted in Jokes, Stories | No Comments »

The Ultimate Disclaimer

Monday, May 4th, 2009

This message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or alter ego; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; this message has not been safety tested for children under the age of 3; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; intended solely for the private use of our audience; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; prices may vary in Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico; message is provided “as is” without any warranties;
(more…)

Posted in Fun, Stories | No Comments »

Open Letter From a Cop

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Allow me to introduced myself. I am a police officer. More importantly to this post, I am a police officer who is sick and damned tired of dealing with certain things on a day to day basis:

1) Contrary to what you might think, I am not an idiot. That ring on my finger is a BA from Texas Tech. My GPA was a 3.71 and I was in fact the president of my frat (which means I got a lot of stories that start out “So, this one time, we were fucked up, and…). So, when I make the mistake of mispronouncing your name (the last name with 17 fucking letters, only two of which are vowels), dont give me that look like I just kicked your puppy.

While I may not be an idiot, I am human and I do fuck things up from time to time. When I apologize for pulling you over because I thought your tags were out, just take the sorry and be on about your way. DO NOT get a high and mighty attitude. Our state has over 5000 traffic laws, I can find one to help you get over your tude.
(more…)

Posted in Stories | No Comments »